Random thoughts of a mother

by The Flamingo

This week my son turned 5. He wanted a big party with all his friends. He expressed his wishes very definitively: “Mommy, I want a big party, I want all my friends to be there, we will have blue cupcakes and it will be at the playground with the big slide. I want plates with skulls and pirates and everybody will bring me wrapped presents and I will give them gift bags when we say goodbye!” “Wow, that’s very specific!” I said. “Yes and I want all my guests to have fun and to sing Happy Birthday together”. I was speechless at my son’s firmness and the eloquence in expressing his desires.

When did the time fly by?

You probably hear this too often when speaking to parents: “It was only yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time”. You may find it tiresome, but it’s so true though. Not all parents are the same. Some can’t wait for their kid to grow older and more agreeable, to see them set and on their path, who see them maybe a little older than they really are. Other parents are at the other extreme: they don’t want their children to grow up, they see them younger than they are, they tend to protect them fiercely, even when they don’t require it.

Sadly, I am one of those parents who looks a lot into the past and sighs at the sight of onesies, old pacifiers and baby photos. I write journals on my son’s development and I read the stories from his first years of life eagerly. I cry when I see him small and helpless, bundled up in my arms in the pictures on my walls, or when I see the old videos with him learning to walk or using my cats as replacement for pillows.

When did the time fly by?

On the night before his birthday, I have a ritual I complete every year. I go down the memory lane and I try to remember step by step the day he came into this world. I remember every feeling and thought I had, every action I took, the conversations I had, but most of all I desperately try to reproduce in my mind the first feel of him. The moment I heard him cry and then felt his cheek on my cheek, and later on when I felt him on my chest. Those precious moments I fear I will lose over time and the feel of him will be a distant memory.

When did the time fly by?

I think the happiest year of my life was when my child was a baby, the first 12 months of his life. Although I was a wreck, because he was a bad sleeper, that didn’t matter. I remember holding him 80% of the time, just bonding with him whatever I did. I miss the little bundle of joy, stuck to me, needing me at all times. I think this is what the parents like myself miss the most, feeling needed.

As he grew, he became more and more independent and I felt less and less needed. Of course, that’s not really very accurate. He still needs me as much as in his first year, but his needs change over the years and my role is to always adapt and fulfill them. I guess I just miss the way he required me when he was a baby.

When did the time fly by?

Now he is 5, “a big boy” the way my son expresses it. No more tantrums, no more sleepless nights (not on a regular basis anyway), no more “I want that and I don’t care what you say”, no more dangerous or unpredictable situations. He now tells me he wants to be 15 years old to be an explorer and a bus driver. For sure I am happy and fulfilled seeing his development and I enjoy every new step in his life and every milestone. I don’t wish to miss or not to live to its fullest every moment of his life. But I will miss it, I know it. When he will be 10, I will miss him being 5, when he will be a teen I will miss him as a child and so on…

When did the time fly by?

The American country singer Trace Adkins has a song called “You’re gonna miss this”. It’s one of my favorites, it simply encourages you to enjoy the moment because you are going to miss this period of your life, “these are some good times, you’re gonna want them back”. That’s how I feel with my child, I want every moment that passed back, maybe to do it better, or to it exactly the same, doesn’t matter. It’s tough to see him grow up, so I try savoring every moment.

En fine…these are some random thoughts of a mother, who wanted to share some of the mixed feelings this milestone provoked. They might not make a lot of sense to some of you, they might be totally unstructured and mindless. Nonetheless these thoughts flood my mind constantly. When did these 5 years pass me by?

Photos from Flamingo‘s archive.