L’art de la Délicatesse

by The Flamingo

This topic may be considered by some pretentious or snobbish, but I assure you it’s very natural and simple at its core. The latest read by Dominique Loreau unraveled my contemplative nature a bit. This is not a book review though, I just laid out some thoughts on the wonderful subject of “refinement”. But first I think some information regarding the book and its author is in order.

Dominique Loreau is a French writer who lives in Japan. She has my favorite style mix, in writing as well as in thinking: the French finesse and the Japanese simplicity. I just discovered her with “L’art de la délicatesse”. It’s a book about living with self respect, with the purpose of achieving happiness using refinement as a means to do it. It’s an easy read, lovely written, but also has some parts where she tends to contradict herself. It’s a philosophical subject after all. But as I said, I will not review this book. I just want to share some of my own concepts on the matter which, surprisingly, I found that Dominique Loreau shares as well.

As I began this book, I got the feeling I was reading something I wrote myself. The concepts were as familiar to me as drinking water. It’s bizarre, reading some stranger’s thoughts that resonate so much with my way of thinking. Rather than revealing something new, this book helped me put everything in some kind of order. Because I never really thought about the “joie de vivre” in an organized manner. So I began contemplating everything that is implied in the concept of “living with refinement”.

• Luxury. I never thought luxury was about money, or brands, jewelry or expensive restaurants. For me, the definition of luxury is sitting on the bank of the Seine, eating some creme brulee, in a dress that fits well and having a nice conversation with a friend. Luxury is all about one’s core values, education, good taste and attitude. It doesn’t matter what car we drive, or what brand we wear or what we eat, it represents a ‘modus vivendi’. As Dominique Loreau expresses it “luxury is the art of living your life fully, with elegance and simplicity”. 

• Value. Also value is not a question of money. The value of things is in their emotional background, or in what happiness they may bring you when purchased. Luckily, I am very “rich” in valued objects, it’s hard to let them go or replace them even if they are flawed. That’s why I own things from my grandmother and her mother before her, passing them on, from generation to generation. “To give value to an object is enough to treat it with respect and love.”

• Caution. In my opinion to be careful, to plan events in advance so that you avoid the anxiety of the unknown or making mistakes which could have been prevented, is a way of living comfortably. I try to take things slow and savor them. “It’s a day to day luxury that the people who are always in a hurry, forever consumed by the race to success and material wealth can’t afford.”

• Loyalty. Part of this ‘joie de vivre’ is my fidelity as a customer. I have two or three brands from where I have been purchasing my clothes and shoes for the past 15 years. There, I can expect them to fit perfectly and to wear them for years to come. Or going to the same hairstylist, or the same grocery store, or the same sellers at the market…all of those are part of my personal comfort, but also part of my long-lasting relationships with others in my community whose values, craftsmanship, quality of product I value and respect. This brings me peace of mind. “It’s important to consume with fidelity, with trust and constancy – values that, sadly, are less and less recognized.”

• Beauty. Having things I consider beautiful surrounding me in my home, not necessarily expensive or precious, is part of who I am. Eating from nice dishes, or drinking from aesthetic glasses, also teaches my son from a young age to appreciate beauty and respect himself. “The children are fed from plastics and industrialized materials. We have pushed them away from quality and beauty.” Everybody needs some form or other of beauty in one’s life in order to survive. “It’s the opposite of vulgarity.”

• Quality. This is the most important trait in every domain. Everything orbits around quality, because it brings emotional and physical balance and it reflects what we are (from the quality of the food we eat and the water we drink, to what we own and what we do). Of course, good quality isn’t in my opinion necessarily also the most expensive. What living in Switzerland taught me was to settle for less, but quality wise way superior. “To buy less, but of better quality, is the perfect method to avoid wasting and consumerism.”

•  Taste. This is a value based exclusively on education. It comes from early childhood, from the values of the parents, close friends and of course some self refinement. Sadly, it’s not a quality one can acquire at any age. In my case, my mother had the most influence on me over time, her taste reflecting itself in lots of my choices, but also self education built a lot upon that base. “Refinement can be seen and felt”.   

• Elegance. Also derived from education, elegance does not equal money, but it equals a form of simplicity. In my opinion it comes from one’s attitude and not only from the attire. It comes from respect and love for oneself, from confidence and personal relaxation. “Lots of people without any personal identity try to build it through fashion.” “Don’t hide your faults, they offer you your personal charm.”

• Pleasure. To satisfy one’s needs is not enough. Pleasure is a necessity, we need to feel it physically and mentally on a daily basis. Each of us finds pleasure in different tiny things, it makes our life more bearable. For example, I like to indulge whenever possible in chocolates filled with cherries imbibed in alcohol. Or I like to sniff my wrist to find traces of perfume left there and fill my nostrils with the scent. I discovered recently the pleasure of reading beside the lake, in all the commotion caused by seagulls and ducks. “Pleasure is a vital necessity, if it doesn’t lead to dependency. It helps us outrun boredom and monotony.” 

• Culture. Reading, traveling, art in general help us lead a better life, a more luxurious one. All our hobbies and passions direct our lives one way or another. Culture helps us feel more. “The more our taste palette evolves, the more we can appreciate, through modest means, everything around us.” 

• Doing nothing. You may think it hilarious or a very naive thought in the world we live in, but this is exactly the point. Doing nothing sometimes helps us more than doing anything at all. It’s an opportunity for reflection, or emptying our mind, it increases creativity enormously, especially with children. So don’t overcrowd your child’s free time with extracurricular activities, let them get bored, let them think or not…it’s important for a good developing. “To succeed to live your life in your own rhythm, is the luxury of those who know how to enjoy it.” 

• No competition. I learned through the years, that to compare and compete with someone, brings just unhappiness and mental damage for me personally. So I dropped this nasty habit for some time now and it made me really happy. This is a stress I do not want in my life. “As long as you compare yourself with others, you are in a race you are never going to win.” It’s really exhausting in my opinion, to each his own. 

• Give. Be kind, be generous, be attentive, be selfless, help other people, help animals, give yourself to do good. “The world becomes a better place when we give and impoverishes when we act on opportunistic principles.”

• Iki. It’s a Japanese concept meaning “ refined distinguishment”. An iki person is “chic and refined, calm, with an open mind and nice without any effort, with a sophisticated sincerity, not blind frankness. To be iki is to be sophisticated without being a hypocrite, to be pure without being naive.” 

These, dear reader, are some of my values that Dominique Loreau helped me sort through the chaos of my thoughts. It really inspired me in writing more articles on the ‘bon viveur/dolce vita’ theme. It’s a really good book for the contemplative type, so I recommend it.

The conclusion to l’art de la delicatesse is that we can live our life with the serenity that helps us accept every situation that comes our way. We need to detach ourselves from material matters, not let money rule our lives or our joie de vivre. To live life with refinement means to respect yourself and others around you, to feel good wherever you are “in a tea house, in a forgotten place, or in a five star hotel”. These are indeed Flamingo’s goals for a happier and a more fulfilling life. 

Photos from Flamingo‘s archive.