About new mothers
This article was written a couple of years ago, with the “new mother” experience still fresh in our minds. “About new mothers” or, going by its initial title, “Overwhelmed. Overworked. Overtired.” is more of an “awareness” type of post for expecting parents or new ones and especially for people surrounding them, such as friends and uninvolved family.
This is an article about the struggles a new mother is facing, based mostly on ourselves, but also on some friends around us. It’s not everybody’s experience. But if you are a new mother, with a husband that works long hours and no help at all from relatives or babysitters, maybe you can relate. This is also an expat experience for sure.
New mothers tend to feel overwhelmed, overworked and overtired. From birth on to late toddlerhood, mothers have to face tantrums, lack of sleep, eating scraps, worrying, no private time, and isolation each and every single day. In time, these affect their mental health.
Overwhelmed – Normally things tend to happen all at once, especially when you are alone with your baby 8 to 10 hours in a row on a daily basis: baby crying from hunger or tiredness or just because they need diaper changing and you have the food burning on the stove, no dry clothes to change them into, the delivery guy at your door, your phone ringing because of unanswered messages and a big headache. As exaggerated as it sounds, the funny part is that these kinds of things tend to happen more often than not and the feeling of being overwhelmed endures and grows on a daily basis.
Overworked – The daily chores a mother has to deal with can also be overwhelming when you’re alone: feeding your child, putting them to sleep by singing lullabies or reading stories for an hour at a time, washing bottles and dishes, cooking for them several times a day (young children need fresh food), cooking for your husband and for yourself, playing with your child, walking them in the park, washing clothes all day long, cleaning, tidying and safe proofing the house, everything around the clock at specific hours, because children love routine. There is always something pending, something you missed that needs your attention.
Overtired – Some women are lucky, their child sleeps all night long since the age of 3 months, some of us aren’t so lucky, having a child that wakes 1, 2 or even 3 times a night till they are 4. So lack of sleep on top of all the work and the management you have to do all day long isn’t helping. Not to mention what happens if you go back to work early. Also not having enough time to eat properly adds to the lack of energy. Then there are the totally sleepless nights when the child is sick, especially when they enter nursery or kindergarten community and the colds just keep coming on a monthly basis. The lost hours of sleep you can never get back, no matter how much time passes, the tiredness is always there, mentally and physically, especially for mothers that have more than one kid.
These are all struggles a mother has to face, most of the time alone and she has to find renewed strength within every day. Most of us are stronger than we think we are and find new resources we didn’t even know existed. But sometimes we find ourselves at the bottom of a very dry well and that is when depression takes over. That’s the moment when you feel you’re not a person anymore, just a robot with batteries running lower and lower. The loneliness starts to kick in and the dire need to spend some adult time, without having to talk about children. The frustration that you can’t fulfill even the most basic of needs (like taking a bath whenever you want) develops into anger, anger at you because you feel helpless, anger at your husband or family because they don’t help as much as you need them to and even in some cases anger at your child because they’re the cause of all of it. Depression is very dangerous and needs dealing with. However, our circumstances were fortunate enough that we didn’t end up in this very dark place.
What we encourage is to ask for help (specialized in some cases), to complain to everybody that is or wants to be a moral support. It helps, believe us. You don’t look weaker because of it or an unworthy mother. Don’t keep everything to yourself or bottled up. Talking about your feelings is therapy itself. People don’t need to come up with a solution to your problem, they just need to listen and be there for you. Find a community of new mothers, that know what you are going through and support you. Try going out with your friends alone as often as possible and on dates with your partner.
Also it’s no shame in asking our partners to help more, including during the night. We know we want to protect them, because they work a lot and have to be well rested in the morning, but the truth is we can’t do it alone and shouldn’t have to. The parents’ responsibilities should be divided as equally as they can be under the circumstances.
Try to enjoy your child, because there are plenty of joyful moments and the bad ones have a strange habit of disappearing from your memory. Everything you sacrifice for them is worth it, the target is to have a happy, well adjusted and loved child that knows you are always there for them with a healthy mind and body. Trust us when we say, you will miss the baby and toddler moments, they go by too fast. Only the good and happy times are what remain from that period.
So, ask for help if needed in order to enjoy motherhood to the fullest.
Photo from Flamingo‘s archive.
